Struggle
by Eliza-Lou-Riley
Summary: Hiccup reminisces on the months before Toothless died. And how Jack was always there. Contains HiJack, character death and sex.


We all knew it was coming. It wasn't as if it was a shock or anything.

Toothless had been ill for almost six months. I never saw it coming. One morning as I was preparing his saddle for another one of our daily flights, he came sloping into my room, his ears flopped back right behind his head; I smiled at him but he didn't respond to it as he usually did. It was as if I wasn't even there. He circled once and flopped all his body weight onto the floor so the wood creaked and strained from the effort. I assumed he was just tired. He was like that sometimes, especially first thing in the morning.

'Hey Bud…' I approached him carefully, remembering to keep my voice gentle, 'You wanna go for a ride?'

But he didn't reply with his usual low growl - the one that told me he was either too tired or too lazy to get up from his spot. He didn't give any sort of response at all. And then I noticed that one of his eyes was slightly clouded over – only slightly – but still, it bothered me.

I did a bit of research about illness among dragons and my worst fears were confirmed; clouded eyes were one of the first symptoms of heart failure and I knew that if this was the case with Toothless, then his destination was inevitable. There were no 'dragon vets' in Berk. I knew from the beginning that if this had something to do with Toothless' heart then there was nothing we could do.

I blamed myself entirely. Heart problems were often caused by stress or overactive behaviour. I thought of all the flying Toothless and I had done over the years, how much of a strain it must have put on him. My own selfishness and longing to ride a dragon had blinded me from the possible dangers.

Things only got worse as time went on. His right eye clouded over completely in the following weeks and one afternoon, while he was pacing about in the yard, I found that it was full of blood.

Part of me still hoped that it was nothing serious. It could have just been an infection of some sort, something that would pass in time. Toothless was a fighter; he wasn't one to be held down over something as small as a bloody eye.

But then he started changing. He became increasingly infuriated if he was ever enclosed in a small room, so after a while my father suggested we keep him outside permanently to prevent him from becoming distressed and lashing out. I always rebuffed the idea of him ever lashing out. Toothless wouldn't hurt a thing – unless it was to protect me. But I still remember that day – it still pains me to think of it now – when I went outside to feed him and he suddenly turned on me; as soon as I got close, he bared his teeth and snapped at me with incredible speed. Had I not backed away as quickly as I did, I would have lost my arm.

Jack said that Toothless' aggression was down to pain. It seemed to make sense; I know that animals are likely to lose their temper when they're hurting and some lousy human is bothering them. I decided to stay out of Toothless' way for a while but this seemed to make matters all the more worse; I would wake up at night and hear him crying outside, obviously freezing in the cold night air. He had been barred from the house since his violent outburst and my sudden lack of presence upset him. But I knew at the back of my mind that he would probably turn and snap at me again if I went anywhere near him. It was as if he didn't know me anymore; as if when he looked at me, he saw a stranger, instead of his closest friend.

* * *

I knew winter would be a killer for him.

I would look out into the yard at times and watch as he slowly dragged himself around in circles; he was beginning to lose the feeling in his legs at this point and they became useless. Perhaps it was then that I finally grasped – or accepted – what was happening. Toothless' heart was failing and there was nothing I could do to help him. I longed to lie down with him as he writhed around on the grass, hold him, soothe his pain. But he didn't want me there. Through my eyes, he hated me now. As if he blamed me for this, for what he was going through.

It was during Toothless' final weeks that I needed Jack the most; the weaker the dragon got, the less he was able to do. Flying was out of the question. He wasn't sleeping anymore. He just spent all his time pacing about, chained to a post. Jack and I would sit and watch him and whenever I got so overwhelmed, to the point where I couldn't even look anymore, I would turn my head and hide my face in his neck, the security of his arms making the situation feel a little more bearable.

I know that Jack loved Toothless as much as I did. I have fond memories of them both having flying races over the lake. I know Toothless had been rather cautious of his presence at first. But I think he was aware of how happy Jack made me feel. And when I was happy, Toothless was happy.

Happiness seemed like a distant memory in those final weeks.

And then I woke up on a cold, snowy morning and found Jack waiting outside the house for me. Looking back, I wonder if I made the right decision.

Perhaps…perhaps if I had checked on him…maybe I would have noticed something was off…and maybe…_maybe_…

There's no point clinging onto "what ifs," and "maybe's." Had I checked or not, Toothless still would have died.

It must have been an hour Jack and I spent, kissing around the back of my house. This was the first time in what felt like years that we had done this; I had been so wrapped up with Toothless that we'd barely had any time to ourselves. Jack's lips had healing powers; every touch and caress seemed to melt away the pain and misery.

'Jack…' I mumbled, mid-kiss, 'I know these past few months have been…lousy to say the least. Especially with you not being around all the time…'

He took both my hands, 'I know what Toothless means to you, Hic. And I want you to know that you always have me. I'm not going anywhere.'

I was surprised to find that my smile wasn't forced. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him; Jack Frost seemed to be the only thing holding me together in those dark, dragging days.

'Let's go upstairs.'

I hadn't realised I had muttered such words under my breath until I noticed Jack's large blue eyes looking at me questioningly. I took his face in my hands and connected our lips gently; it had been too long since I had felt his touch and I needed it now more than ever.

'Please…let's just…let's just do it, Jack.'

'Your dad-'

'He's out.' I replied briskly, 'And let's hope he stays out a good long while.'

I sensed uncertainty in Jack's eyes but he leaned down all the same and continued our moment of passion. I felt him scoop my legs out from beneath me – something he always did when we were about to have sex – and carry me through the back door.

And in my bedroom, as he gently peeled off my clothes and laid me down on the soft sheets, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders; something that had been hanging off me for too long. I held onto Jack Overland Frost, as he moved with great care inside me, his lips brushing against my own, as smooth as the petals on a rose.

* * *

No winter chill could have frozen the heat in the room. But then it came back as quickly as it left, biting harder than ever.

I was awoken by a coughing sound – you know, the sort you hear when someone's choking on a fishbone. I assumed it was Toothless; no other creature could make such a noise.

'He's probably hungry…' I muttered and leaned down to press a kiss on Jack's forehead, 'I'll be back up in a minute, I promise.'

I can't say that I left straight away; whenever we exchanged a goodbye kiss, it was followed by another and another and another until I had almost forgotten that I was supposed to be feeding Toothless. When I finally managed to drag myself away, I went outside with the usual bucket of fish and set it down in front of the dragon so he could help himself. Toothless didn't seem to acknowledge me, but I was used to this by now. It wasn't until his head suddenly flopped to the side that I realised something was up. He began dragging it around on the floor, as if it was too heavy all of a sudden and he would collapse under its weight if he dared to lift it.

'Toothless? Tooth, what's wrong?'

He buckled slightly and then his legs couldn't hold him; I quickly ran over and grabbed hold of around his neck as he fell but his weight caused me to fall as well, so we both ended up on the ground. I crouched on my knees, tugging at him, trying to get him to understand me.

'Toothless! C'mon bud! _Toothless!_'

He was conscious but at the same time he wasn't there. I could feel him wavering, as if he was slipping away in my hold. I could feel his heartbeat, slowly jolting in and out of place.

I lifted my head and screamed, 'Jack! JACK!'

Toothless wouldn't look at me. He was completely still, apart from his tail which twitched effortlessly. I clung to him desperately, smoothing my hands over his ebony scales, trying to get him to know me again. But he just stared up at nothing through his emerald eyes. They had lost their spark.

A few moments later and Jack came running out of the house, pulling some shoes on. When he saw Toothless' state, he looked sick and quickly dropped beside me to support the dragon's head. I started to sob, pressing my wet cheek against the suddenly ageing skin, muttering to Toothless, begging him to stay with me. But he made no sort of movement. Looking back, I don't think he wanted to. I think it was too painful.

* * *

I knew that was it. I knew that Toothless' time had finally run out.

My dad agreed to move him into my room during his final hours; he curled up in the corner, his low, hollow breathing bouncing off the walls, beginning to fail. His temper had died down and he allowed me to lie down beside him for the first time in months, my head tucked under his huge one. I cried for a few hours. Then slept. Then cried again. And as night settled in I heard a faint knocking at my window.

'Hey Jack.'

He carefully reached over and touched the tear brimming in my left eye, making it freeze on my cheek, 'Is this not a good time, Hic?'

'No, it's not.' I replied and I actually managed to laugh, 'But I want you here. Toothless and I both want you here.'

Toothless seemed to recognise Jack; he lifted his heavy head, carefully examining him, then let it rest back on the floor again when the weight became too much. Jack crouched next to him and planted a soft kiss just above the creature's eye, though Toothless barely noticed it. We both sat beside him and his tail wrapped around us both like a blanket.

I refused to leave him. Toothless had always been there for me and I wasn't going to abandon him for a second. It sounds pathetic, I know. But he was quite literally my closest friend – aside from Jack of course. So as I curled around his dying form, gently caressing his scaly skin, I couldn't help the steady stream of salty tears that trickled down my cheeks and ended at my chin. I felt Jack mould himself behind my back and I leaned gladly into the embrace. He seemed the only one able to reach through the foggy haze that was my mind and comfort me.

But even though his hold on me made the pain lessen slightly, I felt my sobs amplify as time went on. I could feel Toothless shift, turn his head and then the warm roll of a tongue left my hair wet and sticking on end. I looked at him and the spark returned for a brief moment. He was the old Toothless again. This was the Toothless I knew. And he knew me.

'You'll be alright, bud.' My voice trembled, so it came out in a childish whimper and I realised I needed to tell him, 'I love you, Toothless. I love you so much…'

Jack shuffled up beside me and put one arm around Toothless' large neck; his face was inches away from one fading, green eye and when he spoke, his voice was a whisper.

'Sleep well Toothless.' He carefully rubbed the space below the eye, soothing the dragon, 'Close your eyes, Toothless.'

These healing words lulled Toothless out of conciousness; he jerked slightly as his heart gave way, but Jack continued muttering, calming him in his final moments and trying to make it as painless as possible.

'Close your eyes Toothless. Let yourself go with the clouds. You're flying Toothless. You're flying…'

The two large eyes drooped, fought to stay awake but then surrendered to the eternal sleep calling them; the dragon's chest rose and then fell again, slowly.

And that was it. Toothless' long, tiring, painful fight was over.

He exhaled and then there was silence.

I hid my face in his neck and cried aloud. I don't know how long for but certainly a long while. Everything that had been building up those past six months all came spilling out in a string of heartwrenching howls. I would learn later that they could hear me all the way from downstairs, but at the time I couldn't have cared less. Toothless…he was my _life_. He had shown me the goodness in dragons. He had cured my lonliness, got me friends. Heck, if it wasn't for Toothless, Jack and I probably never would have happened.

Through my own watery eyes, I observed two tears drip onto the floorboards but not from me. I looked into Jack's eyes, as he leaned against the lifeless dragon and realised he shared my misery. He caught my stare and smiled but it was an askew, wobbly, sad turning of his mouth. We curled our arms around each other, despite the feeling of hot tears sprinting down my cheekbones and stinging my eyes, and we kissed. We knelt there and we kissed and we cried until the early hours of the morning.


End file.
